Went from listening to 'We Can't Stop' by Miley Cyrus, then 'My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark' by Fall Out Boy, and now I'm listening to 'Heart Attack' by Demi Lovato....I keep replaying each song like 10 times before i give up on their sound...I guess I'm writing this post to vent, just to get some of my thoughts put out in the open...
....UGH i just wanna break a mirror ! I wanna see the shards take off in different directions as they pass my body, leaving minor cuts and scratches as they fly by...I don't wanna break anything else but a mirror....I wanna see my one reflection turn into hundreds of reflections...
Can i be frank....i'm so tired of everyone...i want a friend...i really do....someone who is into the same fandoms as me, someone who enjoys being around me or talking to me, someone i can vent to, someone i can stay up talking to, someone who can take me and my baggage...i had 2 good friends....Brookie and Al...but i haven't spoken to them all summer, they've obviously been busy having fun...but what hurts me is that Al promised me he would talk to me cuz i had some issues i wanted to talk to him about and he kinda just left me hanging...i know their lives don't revolve around me but the least he could've done was shoot me a message saying it might be awhile until i'm able to have a full blown conversation with you, but i'll talk to you when i can. Just something that doesn't make me think you forgot about me....i know i'm a forgettable person, i'm not interesting to say the least, i'm a terrible self harmer, and i have a horrid personality...but you said we were friends...you once almost cried cuz i said "i don't think we should be friends." .....honestly I just miss Al more than anything...for heaven's sake i'm in like with this guy and have been deprived of speaking with him and seeing his face everyday because it's summer time...what i'm gonna detest more than anything is going back to school and seeing him and him acting like he didn't hurt me by ignoring me if he doesn't talk to me in August...I still have hope, one month left of summer, fingers crossed he talks to me...if he does talk to me before school starts back up again....i'm just gonna burst into happy tears...and beg him to hang out with me cuz i miss him so much...
okay i guess i'm done talking about Al for now...he's amazing and handsome but i'm not in love with him so i need to stop :/
now onto Andrew....my actual boyfriend of 3 years...we're going through a terrible snag in our relationship and i think there's no way to fix it even though i want there to be a way to get us to just stop fighting and doing the shit we are doing and just love each other and be happy...the only thing i'm thankful for is that we aren't fighting over Al....(he used to think i was in love with him, and that i should just break up with him to be with Al, ridiculous....right ?) but i just want Andrew to know i'm sorry for everything i've been doing these past couple days....i've been tormenting him and hurting him...and i apologize...he means the world to me and i don't wanna imagine my life without him just yet...I wish he would just answer me and call me...i need to hear his voice....but i guess if he doesn't answer me at all...i'm guessing it's completely over...and i'm single...that's gonna feel mega awkward...i love him...he's my prince~
I guess the last thing I wanna spam by blog about is how bad i've been feeling, like there's an empty feeling in my chest that i can't get rid of....this past week....i've been trying to kill myself in various ways but have chickened out or my boyfriend has called me telling me to stop...i have gone to the city and tried to get raped by a group of guys and then murdered if they were as kind as to do so....walked in the middle of the night in my neighborhood hoping someone bad would come along and shoot me...and i have basically cut up my thighs, and my upper arms...i almost slit my throat but i chickened out....i'm just finding ways to get in trouble to end up dead,..and i don't need to apologize to anyone because no one cares about me and well-being...I don't have to apologize Andrew...to Al...to Brooke...to none of them...i just wanna end up dead...i'm tired of living a meaningless life...i may be president of 3 clubs....getting A's and B's in school and have a dream of moving to New York City but it doesn't fufill me....i feel like i'm slipping away and i'm slowly losing my sense of mind...and no one is here to save me...Al once said no one will save me i've got to wanna save myself....but i do wanna save/help myself...but i don't know how...and no one wants to help....so if i never post another blog post....it's probably because i'm gone....so don't be surprised....i'm sorry to anyone who actually reads my blog and enjoys me and my dumb self...i love you all....au revoir for now or forever~
