Sorry

OK. So sorry I haven't been posting like at all, I've just been getting acquainted with my new college and for the most part I'm guess I'm good with most stuff, but whatever.

I guess why I'm really posting is because I need a way to vent.

OK, so I've been feeling suicidal as of late and I literally do not know how to handle these feelings. I've been suicidal in the past, but I get a weird and uncomforting vibe that it's different this time. I feel hurt, worthless, unnecessary, upset, sad, worried, confused, just a plethora of negative emotions that do not want to subside. I try to be positive, I mean hell I have to, but it's so hard, I try to be happy but then when I'm done faking the happiness, I get back into my usual slump. I can't keep up the positivity, it fades after a short time.

I want to self harm so bad, I basically am like scratching at my skin to get a sensation, but I need my scissors breaking skin, and leaving the blood to bubble up. I need that feeling of fleeting satisfaction when I cut.

I have also recently been seeing a counselor/therapist for these thoughts, and honestly it makes me feel worse about myself because I'm having to open up more and dig a little deeper into my negative thoughts. I just don't like it, I want to forget about counseling and just be me and feel bad and shitty and self harm without it being anyone's business. However I'm the one who went to my acting professor and told her I was feeling suicidal, and then a chain reaction went off to get me the help they think I need. I just want to go home and relax, no amount of medication can make me neutral and not sad. My home is what makes me okay with life. I miss my cat, my couch, my parents, my aunt, my uncle, my little cousin, my original surroundings, hell I even miss my brother.

I just think being a new place and being so overwhelmed so early in the semester is causing my depression and suicidal thoughts. But it's a lot of factors, like I keep explaining it to others. I miss home and the people, I feel overwhelmed, stuff in my personal life just isn't up to my usual standards.

I'm at rehearsal right now until probably midnight and I'm having self harm-ish thoughts. I already drew on my arm some lines and shit to symbolize cuts, but it didn't subdue the urge to actually want to cut.

I'm going to try calling the suicide hotline later when I get back to my dorm, or just getting a hold of someone who will listen, but I don't really want to, I just want to cut and be done with it.

A part of me thinks I just deserve to die, I haven't been a wholesome person. I'm basically a piece of shit. I want to just rid the world of my terrible self and hope no one notices I'm gone so people aren't upset because then even in death I'll be troublesome.

I don't know, I feel like I need help, but I don't want help anymore.

The highlight of my day though was one of the guys in my acting class asked if I was alright and followed up with me after class, and I told him and another guy that I had been feeling suicidal and they offered me some advice.

I felt okay in that moment, but now I just feel terrible and like what's the point of living ?

I guess that's enough venting for one night.

One Day...

One day I'll have the most awesome significant other that this person will put others to shame, but for now I am alone and sad.

5 More Days

Yesterday was my Drama Banquet, it was absolutely amazing, long as hell (almost 4 hours), but amazing. I loved every second of it, it was my absolutely final hurrah for drama at Oakcrest.


So 5 more days left for me, just next week, and Tuesday to Friday is all half days. I am so excited to graduate, it'll be a new accomplishment in my life.


I'm REALLY REALLY hoping I go home today and I have an invitation for Awards Night on Monday that came in the mail, because if I didn't get anything I'm going to be a little sad.


School is winding down, and my years at high school will come to a close. I'm not ready, but it'll be good...

I don't know how to title this...

Went from listening to 'We Can't Stop' by Miley Cyrus, then 'My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark' by Fall Out Boy, and now I'm listening to 'Heart Attack' by Demi Lovato....I keep replaying each song like 10 times before i give up on their sound...I guess I'm writing this post to vent, just to get some of my thoughts put out in the open...

....UGH i just wanna break a mirror ! I wanna see the shards take off in different directions as they pass my body, leaving minor cuts and scratches as they fly by...I don't wanna break anything else but a mirror....I wanna see my one reflection turn into hundreds of reflections...

Can i be frank....i'm so tired of everyone...i want a friend...i really do....someone who is into the same fandoms as me, someone who enjoys being around me or talking to me, someone i can vent to, someone i can stay up talking to, someone who can take me and my baggage...i had 2 good friends....Brookie and Al...but i haven't spoken to them all summer, they've obviously been busy having fun...but what hurts me is that Al promised me he would talk to me cuz i had some issues i wanted to talk to him about and he kinda just left me hanging...i know their lives don't revolve around me but the least he could've done was shoot me a message saying it might be awhile until i'm able to have a full blown conversation with you, but i'll talk to you when i can. Just something that doesn't make me think you forgot about me....i know i'm a forgettable person, i'm not interesting to say the least, i'm a terrible self harmer, and i have a horrid personality...but you said we were friends...you once almost cried cuz i said "i don't think we should be friends." .....honestly I just miss Al more than anything...for heaven's sake i'm in like with this guy and have been deprived of speaking with him and seeing his face everyday because it's summer time...what i'm gonna detest more than anything is going back to school and seeing him and him acting like he didn't hurt me by ignoring me if he doesn't talk to me in August...I still have hope, one month left of summer, fingers crossed he talks to me...if he does talk to me before school starts back up again....i'm just gonna burst into happy tears...and beg him to hang out with me cuz i miss him so much...

okay i guess i'm done talking about Al for now...he's amazing and handsome but i'm not in love with him so i need to stop :/

now onto Andrew....my actual boyfriend of 3 years...we're going through a terrible snag in our relationship and i think there's no way to fix it even though i want there to be a way to get us to just stop fighting and doing the shit we are doing and just love each other and be happy...the only thing i'm thankful for is that we aren't fighting over Al....(he used to think i was in love with him, and that i should just break up with him to be with Al, ridiculous....right ?) but i just want Andrew to know i'm sorry for everything i've been doing these past couple days....i've been tormenting him and hurting him...and i apologize...he means the world to me and i don't wanna imagine my life without him just yet...I wish he would just answer me and call me...i need to hear his voice....but i guess if he doesn't answer me at all...i'm guessing it's completely over...and i'm single...that's gonna feel mega awkward...i love him...he's my prince~

I guess the last thing I wanna spam by blog about is how bad i've been feeling, like there's an empty feeling in my chest that i can't get rid of....this past week....i've been trying to kill myself in various ways but have chickened out or my boyfriend has called me telling me to stop...i have gone to the city and tried to get raped by a group of guys and then murdered if they were as kind as to do so....walked in the middle of the night in my neighborhood hoping someone bad would come along and shoot me...and i have basically cut up my thighs, and my upper arms...i almost slit my throat but i chickened out....i'm just finding ways to get in trouble to end up dead,..and i don't need to apologize to anyone because no one cares about me and well-being...I don't have to apologize Andrew...to Al...to Brooke...to none of them...i just wanna end up dead...i'm tired of living a meaningless life...i may be president of 3 clubs....getting A's and B's in school and have a dream of moving to New York City but it doesn't fufill me....i feel like i'm slipping away and i'm slowly losing my sense of mind...and no one is here to save me...Al once said no one will save me i've got to wanna save myself....but i do wanna save/help myself...but i don't know how...and no one wants to help....so if i never post another blog post....it's probably because i'm gone....so don't be surprised....i'm sorry to anyone who actually reads my blog and enjoys me and my dumb self...i love you all....au revoir for now or forever~

Oh, my dear Al....

He makes me so upset sometimes and it angers me, I'll give you guys a little detail about my AnimeNEXT experience, so Saturday night I forgot what we were doing, but i'm walking and I hear my name being called, it's Al and Brooke in their Homestuck cosplay with their friends, and so we started chatting and I got this upset feeling (not sick feeling, like sad feeling) and I have a tendency to either stare blankly or look at the ground and not really respond when I'm in that mood, so i was doing either or and Al's like "What's wrong, Soler ?" I look at him and say "Nothing.", and of course this is Al, he knows when something is wrong with me so he asks me again, and i say "Really, nothing". So he decided to say something that still makes my blood boil every time I think about it. "Yeah, okay, whatever I'll play your game." he says.....I instantly got even more upset, I looked at him, bit my lip and said "Bye, I'm leaving." I walked away just as he started talking because I didn't wanna hear anymore shit escape his lips that could hurt me. I even left my friend, all I heard as I walked away was her awkwardly saying "Goodbye." to all of them as I stormed off faster and faster, she had to run to keep up with me. That night i was just really upset and whenever I get upset with Al, it really torments me and I just wanna see him again and talk about it, so I text him on my friend's phone that night and he doesn't answer of course, he never answers my texts....I text him again once we get to AnimeNEXT on Sunday saying "I wanna apologize in person", and of course my friend turned her phone off to save battery, and we didn't see the message Al sent back saying to meet him at the fountain, until 3pm. The only things that upsets me is what Al said to me, and the fact that i don't know or not if they made a comment about me after I left (any of them, not just Al or Brooke). This was probably one of the only downsides to AnimeNEXT, a little fight between me and the prince. And guess what ! I desperately wanted to apologize for my behavior when I got to see him, so on Tuesday when I'm walking him and his sister to the door, i think he asked if he's allowed to hug me, i didn't really respond, i just hugged him and said sorry, and thanked satan i didn't cry because Al didn't give a fuck about my sorry, he shrugged it off, and was just itching to get away from me....I'll continue my rant about Al in another post, but this one was about my dilemma with Al at AnimeNEXT and after...

I FINISHED SHERLOCK !!!!!

I finished the Sherlock series, now I'm waiting for the next series D: The anticipation is killing me.....I need Sherlock O.O

No title

So what's your reason ?

Lost your friends ? Someone die ? Family problems ?

Do you feel sad, hurt, confused, alone, suicidal ?

So many reasons, so little room left on your wrists, your stomach, your legs

You hide it all, it's your secret, it's your way of life

What do you use ?

Scissors, pocket knife, glass, razor ?

Does it feel exhilarating ?

Does it subside your pain ?

So what if it hurts him ? So what if she bleeds ?

It doesn't hurt you...It's not your blood

It's not your body, It's not your life

It's to cope, it's a thrill

It lets you be in control

It makes you feel alive !

So what if this person is covered in scars ?

So what if it becomes an addiction ?

So what if this person does it their entire life ?

Let them cut

Let them cut until they're dripping crimson