Sorry

OK. So sorry I haven't been posting like at all, I've just been getting acquainted with my new college and for the most part I'm guess I'm good with most stuff, but whatever.

I guess why I'm really posting is because I need a way to vent.

OK, so I've been feeling suicidal as of late and I literally do not know how to handle these feelings. I've been suicidal in the past, but I get a weird and uncomforting vibe that it's different this time. I feel hurt, worthless, unnecessary, upset, sad, worried, confused, just a plethora of negative emotions that do not want to subside. I try to be positive, I mean hell I have to, but it's so hard, I try to be happy but then when I'm done faking the happiness, I get back into my usual slump. I can't keep up the positivity, it fades after a short time.

I want to self harm so bad, I basically am like scratching at my skin to get a sensation, but I need my scissors breaking skin, and leaving the blood to bubble up. I need that feeling of fleeting satisfaction when I cut.

I have also recently been seeing a counselor/therapist for these thoughts, and honestly it makes me feel worse about myself because I'm having to open up more and dig a little deeper into my negative thoughts. I just don't like it, I want to forget about counseling and just be me and feel bad and shitty and self harm without it being anyone's business. However I'm the one who went to my acting professor and told her I was feeling suicidal, and then a chain reaction went off to get me the help they think I need. I just want to go home and relax, no amount of medication can make me neutral and not sad. My home is what makes me okay with life. I miss my cat, my couch, my parents, my aunt, my uncle, my little cousin, my original surroundings, hell I even miss my brother.

I just think being a new place and being so overwhelmed so early in the semester is causing my depression and suicidal thoughts. But it's a lot of factors, like I keep explaining it to others. I miss home and the people, I feel overwhelmed, stuff in my personal life just isn't up to my usual standards.

I'm at rehearsal right now until probably midnight and I'm having self harm-ish thoughts. I already drew on my arm some lines and shit to symbolize cuts, but it didn't subdue the urge to actually want to cut.

I'm going to try calling the suicide hotline later when I get back to my dorm, or just getting a hold of someone who will listen, but I don't really want to, I just want to cut and be done with it.

A part of me thinks I just deserve to die, I haven't been a wholesome person. I'm basically a piece of shit. I want to just rid the world of my terrible self and hope no one notices I'm gone so people aren't upset because then even in death I'll be troublesome.

I don't know, I feel like I need help, but I don't want help anymore.

The highlight of my day though was one of the guys in my acting class asked if I was alright and followed up with me after class, and I told him and another guy that I had been feeling suicidal and they offered me some advice.

I felt okay in that moment, but now I just feel terrible and like what's the point of living ?

I guess that's enough venting for one night.

My Friend

I just feel like venting a little, my friend posted something on tumblr basically saying he's trans and he came out to his mother and she shot him down and was very cruel about it. He's feeling miserable and I bet he's feeling way worse than miserable, I bet words literally can't describe how he's truly feeling. He said it feels like hell being in that household at the moment, and a plethora of other things were said in his post. He knows that he's gonna get kicked out and everything, and that he has no where to go if he does.

I honestly wish I was asleep before he posted that because I'm worrying about him, and I want to know he's safe, and okay. I know he's not happy, but at least safe and unharmed is my goal. I'll be up for a little while longer just thinking about all this. And wondering how he could possibly be feeling, I've had some low points where I cannot even describe them as well. However, I feel like my problems are so tiny compared to his at this point.

He's my friend. I love my friend. I just wish I was able to do something for him. If I could, I'd give him the world. If I could, I'd give him all that he needed. That last thing I want is for him to leave the state because that's where he'll be somewhat free. I want him content, but I guess I only want him in NJ because I'm afraid to lose him as a friend. If I could offer him my home for even a little bit, I bet that would be better, but I don't have the courage to let him know I'm thinking of him and his sister in this time.

I feel like a shitty friend because I can't do anything. I swear if I could drive and had my own apartment, i'd be picking their asses up and demanding they stay with me as long as need be. sigh. I can't even try to text him, but I bet if he has signal his phone is blowing up. I want to be the friend he needs right now. I don't wanna be that shitty person to just say "Stay Strong. You're in my thoughts. Hope all goes well for you." and other bullshit along those lines. I feel as though he doesn't need pitiful words of encouragement, he needs someone to talk to, to just try to get his mind off of his situation for a little bit or just someone he can vent to.

He's my hunny, and I want the best for him. I think tomorrow I'll text him something short, and leave it at that because I know he won't answer me, he never does.


If I could say this to him I would..."Hunny, you are the bravest soul I've ever come across. Please keep fighting."