I did it

I did it....I shed my tears for him today, the tears aren't gonna help him, but I wish I could help him, he's literally 20 minutes from me, and I can't do shit for him. I'm a terrible friend.

My Friend

I just feel like venting a little, my friend posted something on tumblr basically saying he's trans and he came out to his mother and she shot him down and was very cruel about it. He's feeling miserable and I bet he's feeling way worse than miserable, I bet words literally can't describe how he's truly feeling. He said it feels like hell being in that household at the moment, and a plethora of other things were said in his post. He knows that he's gonna get kicked out and everything, and that he has no where to go if he does.

I honestly wish I was asleep before he posted that because I'm worrying about him, and I want to know he's safe, and okay. I know he's not happy, but at least safe and unharmed is my goal. I'll be up for a little while longer just thinking about all this. And wondering how he could possibly be feeling, I've had some low points where I cannot even describe them as well. However, I feel like my problems are so tiny compared to his at this point.

He's my friend. I love my friend. I just wish I was able to do something for him. If I could, I'd give him the world. If I could, I'd give him all that he needed. That last thing I want is for him to leave the state because that's where he'll be somewhat free. I want him content, but I guess I only want him in NJ because I'm afraid to lose him as a friend. If I could offer him my home for even a little bit, I bet that would be better, but I don't have the courage to let him know I'm thinking of him and his sister in this time.

I feel like a shitty friend because I can't do anything. I swear if I could drive and had my own apartment, i'd be picking their asses up and demanding they stay with me as long as need be. sigh. I can't even try to text him, but I bet if he has signal his phone is blowing up. I want to be the friend he needs right now. I don't wanna be that shitty person to just say "Stay Strong. You're in my thoughts. Hope all goes well for you." and other bullshit along those lines. I feel as though he doesn't need pitiful words of encouragement, he needs someone to talk to, to just try to get his mind off of his situation for a little bit or just someone he can vent to.

He's my hunny, and I want the best for him. I think tomorrow I'll text him something short, and leave it at that because I know he won't answer me, he never does.


If I could say this to him I would..."Hunny, you are the bravest soul I've ever come across. Please keep fighting."

Letter

This is a letter I wanted to give my friend Al, but it's embarrassing so I thought I'd show the world how pathetic I am instead xD, it's just me expressing my feelings for him and I wish I wasn't such  a coward that I'd be able to send it to him.

Dear Al,

Ever since my first dream about you in January, I have to say that I've started having feelings for you hunny. And then the other night, when I was enveloped in my thoughts about you and Brooke, I went to sleep and had a another dream about you...I went to the guidance offices and saw you leaving and I immediately started bawling my eyes out, followed by wrapping my arms around your neck, and saying "I love you", you just hugged me tight...and said some things. To not FREAK you out, I DON'T love you, like I'm not in love with you (I love you as a friend), but I just really like you. i think you're cute, kind, friendly, caring, sweet, smart, EXTREMELY funny, handsome...the list goes on. You make me so genuinely happy, any time I'm with you, you just brighten my day. I love your smile, your funny faces you make at me, and especially your hugs; when you hug me tight, I never wanna leave your grasp, your hugs make my heart melt. Even though you only talk to me when I'm upset or cutting (I wish you talked to me more on skype, and maybe even webcam every once in awhile) *sigh* I guess sometimes it seems like I don't like you, I do, and sometimes you're stuck on my mind. You don't have to reply to this, or even say anything to me about this (actually I'd rather you just read it and never speak of it because I know you would never have feelings for me in a million years) Anyway, I'm done with my stupid, disgusting feelings, it was embarrassing, bye baby~

Soler Lacrimosa~ 3/15/13

Procrastination

So i should really be typing up my 3 page paper due tomorrow that i waited until the last minute to do because i'm a bum.

I need serious motivation, and getting a bad grade isn't motivation for me to finish it and get it turned in on time xD

i just talked with my friend Aubree for a few minutes, i have a little bit of motivation, but now i just really wanna talk to her x3

Anyway, i have a lot of shit to do before i can go to bed tonight, so...one little paper won't be the only thing keeping me up tonight >.>