Dear Prince,

Dear Prince, i know at the moment if you didn't hate me already you probably do right now and want me to just leave you the hell alone, but i can't...it's been an hour or two since i last replied to you (granted it was something rude, but...) i miss you...i miss us...i miss our fun, our laughs, our smiles, and all our good times...you've been ignoring me for a month to get back at me for being suicidal...and i think you were completely wrong to do that...it was mean and it put me in the mindset that you didn't love me...I just wanna talk to you right now...and tell you what i'm feeling without you leaving for hours and coming back like it's no big deal...i love you...and i just wanna talk...find a way to call me...please...or heytell me...something...i know you can...because if you had no signal you wouldn't be messaging me to begin with....plus i miss your voice....it's been months hunny...i'm sorry for everything....come back...

I am really weird about Al

If you didn't already know, I like Al, I like him a lot, he's just the nicest, funniest, cutest, most caring, and most unique individual I've had the chance of meeting while in high school. And i started falling for him back in October or November of 2012. But i wouldn't say it out loud to myself until January (2013). He cares and sometimes he doesn't or it seems like he doesn't, which bothers me. I will always remember when they found out I cut myself, and one day I went to Al and Brooke and I got to hug Al, and I held on, and just cried on his shoulder, and covered my face as I walked into the back room of the library, of course, they aren't heartless so they followed me a couple seconds after as I'm having a meltdown in school (PATHETIC, I AM). And from there they started talking to me a lot more and it actually seemed like we were friends. Al gave me his skype and one day we were talking and he's like can i video call you, I wanna make you smile/happy. And we webcammed for a little until my mum was a total COCKBLOCK and called during my call with Al -.- Aside from that he seemed to really care about my feelings and my cutting. He even one day sent me pictures that I now have saved to my phone about self harm. In the beginning he seemed caring and loving....but as the months pass, i feel like I am losing a good friend, and it hurts me terribly, I know the prince is going through a hard time with himself and he's expressed that to me (rudely) but still has told me about his issues. Maybe I'm too needy when it comes to him, maybe I just want his attention but sometimes I just wish he would treat me like I was his friend again, when he'd genuinely smile for me (that made my day) or when (oh gawd) when he hugged me, and it wasn't a limp hug, it was a tight, 'I care for you' hug that would always make me melt, and I'd walk away feeling happy for a little bit. Lately, I get this feeling of hate and resentment when it comes to Al, I don't know if it towards me but it still hurts, here's something I would never admit to him a million years. What will it take to just have him like me as a good friend and not as someone who seems parasitic to him...poor baby, he had to deal with me and he's probably sick of me by now with all my problems. But does he have to be rude to me at times and make me feel like shit ? I guess I'm being a hypocrite because there's times where he has told me I treat him like shit and I bully him in a way. My personality is wicked and troubled...I am not perfect and I hurt someone I deeply care about and I am sorry for what I have done to him. Al....why can't we just be friends !? without all these issues....i love you my dear, i love you like any friend would...




UPDATE : I am not crazed about Al anymore, I haven't been for a very long time. I'm going through my old blog posts and just laughing and cringing, because I am such a weenie.

Letter

This is a letter I wanted to give my friend Al, but it's embarrassing so I thought I'd show the world how pathetic I am instead xD, it's just me expressing my feelings for him and I wish I wasn't such  a coward that I'd be able to send it to him.

Dear Al,

Ever since my first dream about you in January, I have to say that I've started having feelings for you hunny. And then the other night, when I was enveloped in my thoughts about you and Brooke, I went to sleep and had a another dream about you...I went to the guidance offices and saw you leaving and I immediately started bawling my eyes out, followed by wrapping my arms around your neck, and saying "I love you", you just hugged me tight...and said some things. To not FREAK you out, I DON'T love you, like I'm not in love with you (I love you as a friend), but I just really like you. i think you're cute, kind, friendly, caring, sweet, smart, EXTREMELY funny, handsome...the list goes on. You make me so genuinely happy, any time I'm with you, you just brighten my day. I love your smile, your funny faces you make at me, and especially your hugs; when you hug me tight, I never wanna leave your grasp, your hugs make my heart melt. Even though you only talk to me when I'm upset or cutting (I wish you talked to me more on skype, and maybe even webcam every once in awhile) *sigh* I guess sometimes it seems like I don't like you, I do, and sometimes you're stuck on my mind. You don't have to reply to this, or even say anything to me about this (actually I'd rather you just read it and never speak of it because I know you would never have feelings for me in a million years) Anyway, I'm done with my stupid, disgusting feelings, it was embarrassing, bye baby~

Soler Lacrimosa~ 3/15/13