I don't know

So, I haven't been in a good mood as of late, the other night I woke up crying, and couldn't go back to sleep, I had to talk myself down from an extreme suicidal high. Thank god it worked or I would not be typing this for you guys to view.

I also am very angry with my ex *cough* Andrew Dragon Carrero *cough* he's a fucking bastard that deserves to die, so yeah. Last thing I sent him was me telling him he's a cunt.

I also had this awesome idea for me and my friends, to do a photo shoot at the end of the summer for me, I'm planning 2 outfits right now, it's just all about getting the money. I need about $350 to make it happen because the one dress/costume I want is $186.95. So yeah, working on finding a job for the weekends because I babysit for some money during the week.

My moods are varying lately, one minute I can be perfectly fine, the next I hate the world and I just want it all to end. It's like whatever.

I am really weird about Al

If you didn't already know, I like Al, I like him a lot, he's just the nicest, funniest, cutest, most caring, and most unique individual I've had the chance of meeting while in high school. And i started falling for him back in October or November of 2012. But i wouldn't say it out loud to myself until January (2013). He cares and sometimes he doesn't or it seems like he doesn't, which bothers me. I will always remember when they found out I cut myself, and one day I went to Al and Brooke and I got to hug Al, and I held on, and just cried on his shoulder, and covered my face as I walked into the back room of the library, of course, they aren't heartless so they followed me a couple seconds after as I'm having a meltdown in school (PATHETIC, I AM). And from there they started talking to me a lot more and it actually seemed like we were friends. Al gave me his skype and one day we were talking and he's like can i video call you, I wanna make you smile/happy. And we webcammed for a little until my mum was a total COCKBLOCK and called during my call with Al -.- Aside from that he seemed to really care about my feelings and my cutting. He even one day sent me pictures that I now have saved to my phone about self harm. In the beginning he seemed caring and loving....but as the months pass, i feel like I am losing a good friend, and it hurts me terribly, I know the prince is going through a hard time with himself and he's expressed that to me (rudely) but still has told me about his issues. Maybe I'm too needy when it comes to him, maybe I just want his attention but sometimes I just wish he would treat me like I was his friend again, when he'd genuinely smile for me (that made my day) or when (oh gawd) when he hugged me, and it wasn't a limp hug, it was a tight, 'I care for you' hug that would always make me melt, and I'd walk away feeling happy for a little bit. Lately, I get this feeling of hate and resentment when it comes to Al, I don't know if it towards me but it still hurts, here's something I would never admit to him a million years. What will it take to just have him like me as a good friend and not as someone who seems parasitic to him...poor baby, he had to deal with me and he's probably sick of me by now with all my problems. But does he have to be rude to me at times and make me feel like shit ? I guess I'm being a hypocrite because there's times where he has told me I treat him like shit and I bully him in a way. My personality is wicked and troubled...I am not perfect and I hurt someone I deeply care about and I am sorry for what I have done to him. Al....why can't we just be friends !? without all these issues....i love you my dear, i love you like any friend would...




UPDATE : I am not crazed about Al anymore, I haven't been for a very long time. I'm going through my old blog posts and just laughing and cringing, because I am such a weenie.