5 Day Weekend

ERMAGERD....Al asked if I wanted to do anything this weekend because I said "I'm hoping my weekend is filled with human interaction" 

My life basically consists of Tumblr all the time, Tumblr and after school activities.

So here's hoping Al messages me later today to let me know or not if it's a no then I guess I'll be hanging with Gabba if her grandpa allows it.

.......also i want cheese, but I'm at school until 5 -.-

So....I'm Alive

So, had a bit of a rough summer, but today was the first day of school and it was far from perfect, it wasn't what i expected....talked to Al....yeah, he dislikes me....so i'm cutting myself...first day of school and when i go back tomorrow, my arms will be covered in red lines, and dried blood

I don't know how to title this...

Went from listening to 'We Can't Stop' by Miley Cyrus, then 'My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark' by Fall Out Boy, and now I'm listening to 'Heart Attack' by Demi Lovato....I keep replaying each song like 10 times before i give up on their sound...I guess I'm writing this post to vent, just to get some of my thoughts put out in the open...

....UGH i just wanna break a mirror ! I wanna see the shards take off in different directions as they pass my body, leaving minor cuts and scratches as they fly by...I don't wanna break anything else but a mirror....I wanna see my one reflection turn into hundreds of reflections...

Can i be frank....i'm so tired of everyone...i want a friend...i really do....someone who is into the same fandoms as me, someone who enjoys being around me or talking to me, someone i can vent to, someone i can stay up talking to, someone who can take me and my baggage...i had 2 good friends....Brookie and Al...but i haven't spoken to them all summer, they've obviously been busy having fun...but what hurts me is that Al promised me he would talk to me cuz i had some issues i wanted to talk to him about and he kinda just left me hanging...i know their lives don't revolve around me but the least he could've done was shoot me a message saying it might be awhile until i'm able to have a full blown conversation with you, but i'll talk to you when i can. Just something that doesn't make me think you forgot about me....i know i'm a forgettable person, i'm not interesting to say the least, i'm a terrible self harmer, and i have a horrid personality...but you said we were friends...you once almost cried cuz i said "i don't think we should be friends." .....honestly I just miss Al more than anything...for heaven's sake i'm in like with this guy and have been deprived of speaking with him and seeing his face everyday because it's summer time...what i'm gonna detest more than anything is going back to school and seeing him and him acting like he didn't hurt me by ignoring me if he doesn't talk to me in August...I still have hope, one month left of summer, fingers crossed he talks to me...if he does talk to me before school starts back up again....i'm just gonna burst into happy tears...and beg him to hang out with me cuz i miss him so much...

okay i guess i'm done talking about Al for now...he's amazing and handsome but i'm not in love with him so i need to stop :/

now onto Andrew....my actual boyfriend of 3 years...we're going through a terrible snag in our relationship and i think there's no way to fix it even though i want there to be a way to get us to just stop fighting and doing the shit we are doing and just love each other and be happy...the only thing i'm thankful for is that we aren't fighting over Al....(he used to think i was in love with him, and that i should just break up with him to be with Al, ridiculous....right ?) but i just want Andrew to know i'm sorry for everything i've been doing these past couple days....i've been tormenting him and hurting him...and i apologize...he means the world to me and i don't wanna imagine my life without him just yet...I wish he would just answer me and call me...i need to hear his voice....but i guess if he doesn't answer me at all...i'm guessing it's completely over...and i'm single...that's gonna feel mega awkward...i love him...he's my prince~

I guess the last thing I wanna spam by blog about is how bad i've been feeling, like there's an empty feeling in my chest that i can't get rid of....this past week....i've been trying to kill myself in various ways but have chickened out or my boyfriend has called me telling me to stop...i have gone to the city and tried to get raped by a group of guys and then murdered if they were as kind as to do so....walked in the middle of the night in my neighborhood hoping someone bad would come along and shoot me...and i have basically cut up my thighs, and my upper arms...i almost slit my throat but i chickened out....i'm just finding ways to get in trouble to end up dead,..and i don't need to apologize to anyone because no one cares about me and well-being...I don't have to apologize Andrew...to Al...to Brooke...to none of them...i just wanna end up dead...i'm tired of living a meaningless life...i may be president of 3 clubs....getting A's and B's in school and have a dream of moving to New York City but it doesn't fufill me....i feel like i'm slipping away and i'm slowly losing my sense of mind...and no one is here to save me...Al once said no one will save me i've got to wanna save myself....but i do wanna save/help myself...but i don't know how...and no one wants to help....so if i never post another blog post....it's probably because i'm gone....so don't be surprised....i'm sorry to anyone who actually reads my blog and enjoys me and my dumb self...i love you all....au revoir for now or forever~

Where are you ?

Sometimes i think Al likes to make me upset...i don't text him because he never replies...so i wait on Skype to see if he ever logs on and he doesn't...i bet he forgot that i wanted him to talk to me...it doesn't piss me off...but i am so in like with him that it makes me sad that he forgets me...and i wanted to see if i could see him at the end of the month...so...lets hope that if i text him right now...that he'll see and remember i wanted to have a talk with him...(sorry for sounding whiny, i'm just in a terrible mood and i have absolutely no one to vent to)

I am really weird about Al

If you didn't already know, I like Al, I like him a lot, he's just the nicest, funniest, cutest, most caring, and most unique individual I've had the chance of meeting while in high school. And i started falling for him back in October or November of 2012. But i wouldn't say it out loud to myself until January (2013). He cares and sometimes he doesn't or it seems like he doesn't, which bothers me. I will always remember when they found out I cut myself, and one day I went to Al and Brooke and I got to hug Al, and I held on, and just cried on his shoulder, and covered my face as I walked into the back room of the library, of course, they aren't heartless so they followed me a couple seconds after as I'm having a meltdown in school (PATHETIC, I AM). And from there they started talking to me a lot more and it actually seemed like we were friends. Al gave me his skype and one day we were talking and he's like can i video call you, I wanna make you smile/happy. And we webcammed for a little until my mum was a total COCKBLOCK and called during my call with Al -.- Aside from that he seemed to really care about my feelings and my cutting. He even one day sent me pictures that I now have saved to my phone about self harm. In the beginning he seemed caring and loving....but as the months pass, i feel like I am losing a good friend, and it hurts me terribly, I know the prince is going through a hard time with himself and he's expressed that to me (rudely) but still has told me about his issues. Maybe I'm too needy when it comes to him, maybe I just want his attention but sometimes I just wish he would treat me like I was his friend again, when he'd genuinely smile for me (that made my day) or when (oh gawd) when he hugged me, and it wasn't a limp hug, it was a tight, 'I care for you' hug that would always make me melt, and I'd walk away feeling happy for a little bit. Lately, I get this feeling of hate and resentment when it comes to Al, I don't know if it towards me but it still hurts, here's something I would never admit to him a million years. What will it take to just have him like me as a good friend and not as someone who seems parasitic to him...poor baby, he had to deal with me and he's probably sick of me by now with all my problems. But does he have to be rude to me at times and make me feel like shit ? I guess I'm being a hypocrite because there's times where he has told me I treat him like shit and I bully him in a way. My personality is wicked and troubled...I am not perfect and I hurt someone I deeply care about and I am sorry for what I have done to him. Al....why can't we just be friends !? without all these issues....i love you my dear, i love you like any friend would...




UPDATE : I am not crazed about Al anymore, I haven't been for a very long time. I'm going through my old blog posts and just laughing and cringing, because I am such a weenie.

Oh, my dear Al....

He makes me so upset sometimes and it angers me, I'll give you guys a little detail about my AnimeNEXT experience, so Saturday night I forgot what we were doing, but i'm walking and I hear my name being called, it's Al and Brooke in their Homestuck cosplay with their friends, and so we started chatting and I got this upset feeling (not sick feeling, like sad feeling) and I have a tendency to either stare blankly or look at the ground and not really respond when I'm in that mood, so i was doing either or and Al's like "What's wrong, Soler ?" I look at him and say "Nothing.", and of course this is Al, he knows when something is wrong with me so he asks me again, and i say "Really, nothing". So he decided to say something that still makes my blood boil every time I think about it. "Yeah, okay, whatever I'll play your game." he says.....I instantly got even more upset, I looked at him, bit my lip and said "Bye, I'm leaving." I walked away just as he started talking because I didn't wanna hear anymore shit escape his lips that could hurt me. I even left my friend, all I heard as I walked away was her awkwardly saying "Goodbye." to all of them as I stormed off faster and faster, she had to run to keep up with me. That night i was just really upset and whenever I get upset with Al, it really torments me and I just wanna see him again and talk about it, so I text him on my friend's phone that night and he doesn't answer of course, he never answers my texts....I text him again once we get to AnimeNEXT on Sunday saying "I wanna apologize in person", and of course my friend turned her phone off to save battery, and we didn't see the message Al sent back saying to meet him at the fountain, until 3pm. The only things that upsets me is what Al said to me, and the fact that i don't know or not if they made a comment about me after I left (any of them, not just Al or Brooke). This was probably one of the only downsides to AnimeNEXT, a little fight between me and the prince. And guess what ! I desperately wanted to apologize for my behavior when I got to see him, so on Tuesday when I'm walking him and his sister to the door, i think he asked if he's allowed to hug me, i didn't really respond, i just hugged him and said sorry, and thanked satan i didn't cry because Al didn't give a fuck about my sorry, he shrugged it off, and was just itching to get away from me....I'll continue my rant about Al in another post, but this one was about my dilemma with Al at AnimeNEXT and after...