It's Been About a Month

Hey, so I graduated ! Same day as well, our graduation wasn't rained out like the past couple of years.
I've been dealing with some stuff lately and I've been having some mixed moods.
I'm upset about A LOT of shit and I don't know what to make things better. However I am excited about college and I'm excited to start buying and packing stuff.
I'll try to post once a week, but I'm not promising anything. These demons are really holding me back lately.

Kinda Upset

So, I got accepted to Point Park University (academically), I don't know if I got accepted to the conservatory yet, which hopefully I'll find out soon, because I need good news.


I also got rejected by Penn State University, and rejected by Rutgers University School of Arts and Sciences for Teacher Certification.


I don't know about Mason Gross (Rutgers University), but I have a very strong feeling I will not be admitted to the Mason Gross School, which was one of my top schools.


So I'm a little bummed out, two rejections in one day, but that's life, I still have Syracuse, Boston University, Emerson, and Pace that I still need to hear from and 3 that I still have to interview for.


I am doing my Boston University Skype interview next Sunday because it got rescheduled to the 15th, and I still have to hear from Emerson on setting up a telephone interview, and then Pace is a mess with everything, but hopefully I'll hear from them soon.

No More NYC

I was super excited to be able to go to NYC on the 20th for a Pace University interview, but all the times are full, and now I'm super upset. I was really hoping to spend a day in NYC and finally go back and have some fun.

I am like really bummed out, it'll only work if it's not the last week in February or the first 2 weeks in March, which it probably will be, which majorly sucks. I have events already planned, that I'm actually working on and a big part of, my events will always go before an interview unless it can't be helped. 

I really don't wanna have to do a Skype interview. 

So basically...

So basically, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm just done.

All I see is despair and nothingness and I can't stand it.

Where is the light in my life ?

It's like someone extinguished the flame that was burning as bright as it could.

My feelings have gradually been getting worse, and I feel as though there's no point in anything.

I want to be fine with myself, and I don't feel fine with myself.

I had to leave school early yesterday and blow off Drama because I just couldn't. I couldn't deal with the rest of the day.

It was agonizing.

I have some cuts on my left arm (that I inflicted) and today I added my own flair to the cuts by writing the words Cut Me with an arrow pointing towards the wounds.

I don't know, I wish someone was here for me, I wish I wasn't alone.

It's horrid, and I can't.

I just can't.

I was on omegle last night.

I talked to one nice guy for little. (If anyone wants to talk to me fyi, comment, email me, whatever...I'm constantly lonely, and always wish for a voice to communicate with)

I don't wanna get into why I'm upset or angry or all these stupid emotions.

Maybe another post.

Can I Just Talk ?

So, I'm done trying, I came to the conclusion that there's no point in trying if your effort is thrust back into your face. I wanted to make this work, but making me cry because you wanna be heartless is literally the last straw. I cannot keep making myself seem fine, when I'm not. You literally acted two-faced, last Friday we seemed okay like there was a shimmer of hope, but this week, all that was dashed away by your actions and words. I know I fucked up royally, it was literally all my fault, but I decided to be the bigger person and just try, try one last time to at least be civil with each other, but alas it was all in vain. I don't know I just wanted to be friends again, and it just wasted my time to have it be worthless. I am allowed to be upset, I am allowed to vent, I am allowed to do whatever I want regarding this situation as long as I am not in any way harming her. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm going through my Senior Year without any friends. My hunny and doll graduated and are in Texas, and that's about it. I'm done talking, I'm just upset and wanna just find a real friend.

Whatever

I am so done with her, it's not even funny.
So yesterday I'm like, lemme try and break the ice again,
So we can start talking,
I then during lunch go back into my Google Docs,
And find a document with a list a nicknames I used to call her,
All completely appropriate, and just in fun,
(They were words spelled backwards)
I print out the list and add a little note at the bottom,
About it's okay to not wanna be friends, but just let me know.
I get to Film Class, and before she gets there,
I tell the boys to write "Ohcapzag" on the chalk board,
Then another boy wants to know another nickname,
So they can address with the nickname,
(Again all in fun)
She enters the room, and he says "Hey Nuttob."
She then proceeds to just act like he called her some horrid,
Inappropriate name, just being rude and saying,
"I hate that so much"
My face just drained of color,
I thought it would be a good idea to go back to our friendship with that,
Because before, she used to laugh or give me the funny bitchface for these nicknames,
She yesterday just completely shut me the fuck down,
I say to her, my voice so low,
that "It was just supposed to be funny." &
"No need to be crabby, I didn't mean to upset you."
She made me feel like complete shit for no reason,
I literally tried, but if she's gonna keep ignoring me,
And making me feel bad for trying to make her laugh/smile,
Then I'm done, there was really no reason for that yesterday,
It really hurt my feelings, and I don't need negativity from her anymore,
I wanted my friend back, but not if I have to feel bad about it first




I'm done venting, thanks for reading.

My Friend

I just feel like venting a little, my friend posted something on tumblr basically saying he's trans and he came out to his mother and she shot him down and was very cruel about it. He's feeling miserable and I bet he's feeling way worse than miserable, I bet words literally can't describe how he's truly feeling. He said it feels like hell being in that household at the moment, and a plethora of other things were said in his post. He knows that he's gonna get kicked out and everything, and that he has no where to go if he does.

I honestly wish I was asleep before he posted that because I'm worrying about him, and I want to know he's safe, and okay. I know he's not happy, but at least safe and unharmed is my goal. I'll be up for a little while longer just thinking about all this. And wondering how he could possibly be feeling, I've had some low points where I cannot even describe them as well. However, I feel like my problems are so tiny compared to his at this point.

He's my friend. I love my friend. I just wish I was able to do something for him. If I could, I'd give him the world. If I could, I'd give him all that he needed. That last thing I want is for him to leave the state because that's where he'll be somewhat free. I want him content, but I guess I only want him in NJ because I'm afraid to lose him as a friend. If I could offer him my home for even a little bit, I bet that would be better, but I don't have the courage to let him know I'm thinking of him and his sister in this time.

I feel like a shitty friend because I can't do anything. I swear if I could drive and had my own apartment, i'd be picking their asses up and demanding they stay with me as long as need be. sigh. I can't even try to text him, but I bet if he has signal his phone is blowing up. I want to be the friend he needs right now. I don't wanna be that shitty person to just say "Stay Strong. You're in my thoughts. Hope all goes well for you." and other bullshit along those lines. I feel as though he doesn't need pitiful words of encouragement, he needs someone to talk to, to just try to get his mind off of his situation for a little bit or just someone he can vent to.

He's my hunny, and I want the best for him. I think tomorrow I'll text him something short, and leave it at that because I know he won't answer me, he never does.


If I could say this to him I would..."Hunny, you are the bravest soul I've ever come across. Please keep fighting."

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SEE WHEN I WATCHED THE NEW EPISODES OF ADVENTURE TIME ?! 

I CRIED !!!! (bet no one can guess which part, cuz there wasn't anything to really cry over)

BUT OMGAWD.....NO NO...JUST NO

I STILL LOVE ADVENTURE TIME, FAVE CARTOON~

Oh, my dear Al....

He makes me so upset sometimes and it angers me, I'll give you guys a little detail about my AnimeNEXT experience, so Saturday night I forgot what we were doing, but i'm walking and I hear my name being called, it's Al and Brooke in their Homestuck cosplay with their friends, and so we started chatting and I got this upset feeling (not sick feeling, like sad feeling) and I have a tendency to either stare blankly or look at the ground and not really respond when I'm in that mood, so i was doing either or and Al's like "What's wrong, Soler ?" I look at him and say "Nothing.", and of course this is Al, he knows when something is wrong with me so he asks me again, and i say "Really, nothing". So he decided to say something that still makes my blood boil every time I think about it. "Yeah, okay, whatever I'll play your game." he says.....I instantly got even more upset, I looked at him, bit my lip and said "Bye, I'm leaving." I walked away just as he started talking because I didn't wanna hear anymore shit escape his lips that could hurt me. I even left my friend, all I heard as I walked away was her awkwardly saying "Goodbye." to all of them as I stormed off faster and faster, she had to run to keep up with me. That night i was just really upset and whenever I get upset with Al, it really torments me and I just wanna see him again and talk about it, so I text him on my friend's phone that night and he doesn't answer of course, he never answers my texts....I text him again once we get to AnimeNEXT on Sunday saying "I wanna apologize in person", and of course my friend turned her phone off to save battery, and we didn't see the message Al sent back saying to meet him at the fountain, until 3pm. The only things that upsets me is what Al said to me, and the fact that i don't know or not if they made a comment about me after I left (any of them, not just Al or Brooke). This was probably one of the only downsides to AnimeNEXT, a little fight between me and the prince. And guess what ! I desperately wanted to apologize for my behavior when I got to see him, so on Tuesday when I'm walking him and his sister to the door, i think he asked if he's allowed to hug me, i didn't really respond, i just hugged him and said sorry, and thanked satan i didn't cry because Al didn't give a fuck about my sorry, he shrugged it off, and was just itching to get away from me....I'll continue my rant about Al in another post, but this one was about my dilemma with Al at AnimeNEXT and after...

Contemplating...

Contemplating whether or not if I should cut...

my embarrassment has been making me extremely upset, that I've been secluded in my room all day, crying every few hours

I just wanna feel numb for a little...

SO EMBARRASSED

So, today after school, I was walking Al to the buses (like I usually do everyday), and I say "I like you" to him like I do when I'm being nice and playful. And he says, "You think I don't know, it's obvious." 

Oh my gawd, my face got so hot, my heart started racing, and I almost started to cry (I managed to keep from crying until I got home, yes I know PATHETIC) 

He tried to hug me goodbye, but I was so flustered I kept backing away from him and saying "No." I just was really upset, and I couldn't handle it. So I'm kinda scared to see him on Monday.

Sorry to post my embarrassing & pathetic experience guys D:

Done...

I have no idea what I wanna talk about, I don't even know why I'm writing this, All I know is that I'm really upset, I haven't been very productive, and I just really hate myself, and I just wanna go home and cry

I'm very dedicated to my clubs and activities, but I don't feel like doing anything today which is kinda bad...I'm always busy, and I can't stand it right now...I just wanna go home and sleep...but if I sleep then I'll never wake up or get outta bed for a long time.

So tired right now...and I miss my friends....very much...