So basically...

So basically, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm just done.

All I see is despair and nothingness and I can't stand it.

Where is the light in my life ?

It's like someone extinguished the flame that was burning as bright as it could.

My feelings have gradually been getting worse, and I feel as though there's no point in anything.

I want to be fine with myself, and I don't feel fine with myself.

I had to leave school early yesterday and blow off Drama because I just couldn't. I couldn't deal with the rest of the day.

It was agonizing.

I have some cuts on my left arm (that I inflicted) and today I added my own flair to the cuts by writing the words Cut Me with an arrow pointing towards the wounds.

I don't know, I wish someone was here for me, I wish I wasn't alone.

It's horrid, and I can't.

I just can't.

I was on omegle last night.

I talked to one nice guy for little. (If anyone wants to talk to me fyi, comment, email me, whatever...I'm constantly lonely, and always wish for a voice to communicate with)

I don't wanna get into why I'm upset or angry or all these stupid emotions.

Maybe another post.

Can I Just Talk ?

So, I'm done trying, I came to the conclusion that there's no point in trying if your effort is thrust back into your face. I wanted to make this work, but making me cry because you wanna be heartless is literally the last straw. I cannot keep making myself seem fine, when I'm not. You literally acted two-faced, last Friday we seemed okay like there was a shimmer of hope, but this week, all that was dashed away by your actions and words. I know I fucked up royally, it was literally all my fault, but I decided to be the bigger person and just try, try one last time to at least be civil with each other, but alas it was all in vain. I don't know I just wanted to be friends again, and it just wasted my time to have it be worthless. I am allowed to be upset, I am allowed to vent, I am allowed to do whatever I want regarding this situation as long as I am not in any way harming her. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm going through my Senior Year without any friends. My hunny and doll graduated and are in Texas, and that's about it. I'm done talking, I'm just upset and wanna just find a real friend.

Whatever

I am so done with her, it's not even funny.
So yesterday I'm like, lemme try and break the ice again,
So we can start talking,
I then during lunch go back into my Google Docs,
And find a document with a list a nicknames I used to call her,
All completely appropriate, and just in fun,
(They were words spelled backwards)
I print out the list and add a little note at the bottom,
About it's okay to not wanna be friends, but just let me know.
I get to Film Class, and before she gets there,
I tell the boys to write "Ohcapzag" on the chalk board,
Then another boy wants to know another nickname,
So they can address with the nickname,
(Again all in fun)
She enters the room, and he says "Hey Nuttob."
She then proceeds to just act like he called her some horrid,
Inappropriate name, just being rude and saying,
"I hate that so much"
My face just drained of color,
I thought it would be a good idea to go back to our friendship with that,
Because before, she used to laugh or give me the funny bitchface for these nicknames,
She yesterday just completely shut me the fuck down,
I say to her, my voice so low,
that "It was just supposed to be funny." &
"No need to be crabby, I didn't mean to upset you."
She made me feel like complete shit for no reason,
I literally tried, but if she's gonna keep ignoring me,
And making me feel bad for trying to make her laugh/smile,
Then I'm done, there was really no reason for that yesterday,
It really hurt my feelings, and I don't need negativity from her anymore,
I wanted my friend back, but not if I have to feel bad about it first




I'm done venting, thanks for reading.

Maybe...

Maybe I wouldn't feel so worthless, and so done with life if I had a friend who cared about me and was there for me.

I really miss the year where I was so emerged in my online accounts that I was actually making friends and talking to people.

I wouldn't mind that again, but I'm not social at all, I wait for someone to talk to me first 

Maybe I'll wait awhile, and see if I can make any friends before I end my life

At least let me live my life to the fullest before I commit suicide...

Release Me...

Can someone release me from this pain I feel ?

Can someone release me from the emotions I dread ?

Can someone release me from this life I live ?

I wish to be released and finished with this life, I'm done living it, I was not meant to be here, I was not meant to be worth something one day

If I'm gone, no one has to worry about me, and I can be free...I can be free from what holds me in shackles, I can be free from what binds me to the earth

Let Me Be Released ! Let Me Be Free !