Sorry

OK. So sorry I haven't been posting like at all, I've just been getting acquainted with my new college and for the most part I'm guess I'm good with most stuff, but whatever.

I guess why I'm really posting is because I need a way to vent.

OK, so I've been feeling suicidal as of late and I literally do not know how to handle these feelings. I've been suicidal in the past, but I get a weird and uncomforting vibe that it's different this time. I feel hurt, worthless, unnecessary, upset, sad, worried, confused, just a plethora of negative emotions that do not want to subside. I try to be positive, I mean hell I have to, but it's so hard, I try to be happy but then when I'm done faking the happiness, I get back into my usual slump. I can't keep up the positivity, it fades after a short time.

I want to self harm so bad, I basically am like scratching at my skin to get a sensation, but I need my scissors breaking skin, and leaving the blood to bubble up. I need that feeling of fleeting satisfaction when I cut.

I have also recently been seeing a counselor/therapist for these thoughts, and honestly it makes me feel worse about myself because I'm having to open up more and dig a little deeper into my negative thoughts. I just don't like it, I want to forget about counseling and just be me and feel bad and shitty and self harm without it being anyone's business. However I'm the one who went to my acting professor and told her I was feeling suicidal, and then a chain reaction went off to get me the help they think I need. I just want to go home and relax, no amount of medication can make me neutral and not sad. My home is what makes me okay with life. I miss my cat, my couch, my parents, my aunt, my uncle, my little cousin, my original surroundings, hell I even miss my brother.

I just think being a new place and being so overwhelmed so early in the semester is causing my depression and suicidal thoughts. But it's a lot of factors, like I keep explaining it to others. I miss home and the people, I feel overwhelmed, stuff in my personal life just isn't up to my usual standards.

I'm at rehearsal right now until probably midnight and I'm having self harm-ish thoughts. I already drew on my arm some lines and shit to symbolize cuts, but it didn't subdue the urge to actually want to cut.

I'm going to try calling the suicide hotline later when I get back to my dorm, or just getting a hold of someone who will listen, but I don't really want to, I just want to cut and be done with it.

A part of me thinks I just deserve to die, I haven't been a wholesome person. I'm basically a piece of shit. I want to just rid the world of my terrible self and hope no one notices I'm gone so people aren't upset because then even in death I'll be troublesome.

I don't know, I feel like I need help, but I don't want help anymore.

The highlight of my day though was one of the guys in my acting class asked if I was alright and followed up with me after class, and I told him and another guy that I had been feeling suicidal and they offered me some advice.

I felt okay in that moment, but now I just feel terrible and like what's the point of living ?

I guess that's enough venting for one night.

So basically...

So basically, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm just done.

All I see is despair and nothingness and I can't stand it.

Where is the light in my life ?

It's like someone extinguished the flame that was burning as bright as it could.

My feelings have gradually been getting worse, and I feel as though there's no point in anything.

I want to be fine with myself, and I don't feel fine with myself.

I had to leave school early yesterday and blow off Drama because I just couldn't. I couldn't deal with the rest of the day.

It was agonizing.

I have some cuts on my left arm (that I inflicted) and today I added my own flair to the cuts by writing the words Cut Me with an arrow pointing towards the wounds.

I don't know, I wish someone was here for me, I wish I wasn't alone.

It's horrid, and I can't.

I just can't.

I was on omegle last night.

I talked to one nice guy for little. (If anyone wants to talk to me fyi, comment, email me, whatever...I'm constantly lonely, and always wish for a voice to communicate with)

I don't wanna get into why I'm upset or angry or all these stupid emotions.

Maybe another post.

I don't regret it...

So...I cut last night. I guess it's not that big of a deal, it's like whatever, but now I have to wear them around for a couple of weeks, which is sad. I honestly don't care that I did it though, it took me a while to actual get the courage to do the thing I've been wanting to do for awhile, and I finally did. I played the happiest/funniest song I like at the moment and just started cutting. So yeah. That's all.

So....I'm Alive

So, had a bit of a rough summer, but today was the first day of school and it was far from perfect, it wasn't what i expected....talked to Al....yeah, he dislikes me....so i'm cutting myself...first day of school and when i go back tomorrow, my arms will be covered in red lines, and dried blood

I CAN'T FIND MY FUCKING SCISSORS !!!!!

You can't stop a gurl from slitting her wrists with her favorite weapon of choice, I can't find my sharp scissors, and I don't want a dull blade touching my skin at all...

Tonight

I haven't cut in what feels like a month or more, but I guess I'm breaking that streak tonight, I can't hold back my urge and I have to do it....even more so after seeing the pained look in his eyes when i told him...how can i not cut ?

I'm sorry Al...

Contemplating...

Contemplating whether or not if I should cut...

my embarrassment has been making me extremely upset, that I've been secluded in my room all day, crying every few hours

I just wanna feel numb for a little...

No title

So what's your reason ?

Lost your friends ? Someone die ? Family problems ?

Do you feel sad, hurt, confused, alone, suicidal ?

So many reasons, so little room left on your wrists, your stomach, your legs

You hide it all, it's your secret, it's your way of life

What do you use ?

Scissors, pocket knife, glass, razor ?

Does it feel exhilarating ?

Does it subside your pain ?

So what if it hurts him ? So what if she bleeds ?

It doesn't hurt you...It's not your blood

It's not your body, It's not your life

It's to cope, it's a thrill

It lets you be in control

It makes you feel alive !

So what if this person is covered in scars ?

So what if it becomes an addiction ?

So what if this person does it their entire life ?

Let them cut

Let them cut until they're dripping crimson

The Cutter's Lullaby

I fell in love with this little song over the weekend, it's so beautiful

I'm trying to remember the entire thing, and i think i got it

Go to sleep and close your eyes, and dream of broken butterflies
That tore their wings against a thorn, you know the pain that they've endured
Silver metal shines so bright, Crimson blood that feels so right
Dream of that blood trickling down, and wake up just before you drown
The moonlight's shining off your tears, as you bleed out your own worst fears
So tonight when you start to cry, whisper the cutter's lullaby
Hushabye baby you're almost dead, you have no pulse and your pillow is red
Your family hates you, Your friends let you bleed, Sleep tight with a knife cuz that's all you'll need
Rockabye baby broken and scarred, you didn't know life would this hard
Time to end the pain you hid so well, and down will come baby straight back to hell

So This Morning...

So...this morning i really just tortured myself because i cut this morning and they have been hurting like hell all day...i just wanna go home and lay down and just think and be calm...and let the pain subside after awhile.

I'm okay....it's no big deal...no one cares anyway :/

I cut myself

I cut myself…I’ve been cutting since the 5th grade, ima sophomore in high school right now….as much as I say I’ll be there if anyone needs me {and I will} I wish I was able to lean on someone for support...

Sadness' Mist~

This is just a stupid little poem i made up during class, enjoy~

 

 

 

In the shadows

something lurks within the darkness

it cannot be seen

it cannot be touched

it is sadness, ready to consume you

it is depression, ready to harm you

A grey, gloomy, frightening mist is what

prompts your sudden sadness, it takes control`

and never lets go

I have fallen victim to the mist

i cannot escape it

it has pulled me in

And will not release its grasp

in the morning i let it plant horrid thoughts

within my head

At night i let it control my movements like i am its puppet on strings

it makes me cut away at my skin, it leaves me a gruesome bloody mess

while i sleep, the mist attempts to invade my dreams, every night, i fail to keep it away

I am consumed by this sadness

it has a firm grasp upon me

30 Self Harm Challenge : Day 2 12/2/12

What part of your body is most affected by it ?

 

 

My arms

30 Day Self Harm Challenge : Day One 12/1/12

I started writing this in my journal and forgot to post once I started, so I'm just gonna post all the days until now and continue daily...I promised my friends i'd do this for them, so here it is.

How long have you been self harming ? Discuss why you started.

 

 

Since 5th grade...i started on the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather's death, and since then it's just been a way of coping, punishing myself, and controlling the pain.

 

 

Monday

I'm not in the best mood, but it's a half day at school so I can't wait to go home and take a nap....I think I might indulge in a little self harm....all I feel is sadness and I feel like something is my fault and I need to punish myself for it.....I feel like I'm about to lose my prince and that's not okay in my book...

So what am I to do...

Self Harm Assignment {Taken 11/21/12}

My Self Harm Assignment

Age?

15

Sex?

Female

Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc)

Labels are overrated...

How long have you been cutting?

about 5 years

Favorite tool?

Scissors

Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?

my bedroom

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?

not usually, but I do to avoid talk

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?

no

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?

Yes

What’s your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?

what's the point of an excuse anymore ?

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?

Not overnight

when was the last time you cut?

2 days ago

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?

I don't know...a couple

Do you have (diagnosed) depression, and/or bipolar/bpd?

They believe I am depressed and have bipolar disorder

Who knows you cut?

The librarian, my guidance counselor, my two friends

Have you ever been caught cutting?

no

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?

Never

Did you have a good childhood?

...I suppose

Why do you cut?

N/A

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?

Unfortunately, yes

Do you want to stop cutting (but can’t because of addiction)?

Surprisingly. No I don't.

Do you like cutting?

I prefer not to answer.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?

twice

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?

my opinion doesn't matter

Do you like watching movies with self-injury?

If they're actually good movies

Do you like looking at pictures of self-injury?

It disturbs me sometimes

Do you sometimes envy other people (non-self-injurers)

I envy no one....

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?

I have.

Do you want to die?

At this moment in time....very much

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?

No

What do you like to listen to while cutting/depression/etc.?

Lately it's been Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting?

Negative

Do you dream about cutting?

Negative

What do you use to bandage your cuts?

Absolutely nothing


Taken 11/21/12

Just Mad/Bored/Upset/Listening to Music/Etc.

So right now I'm mad, I can't even think straight -.- I just wanna go home and lay down and just take a breather. My head hurts so damn bad and i'm tired of being at school, it has officially drained me of life energy xD

I've been contemplating whether or not if i can resist the urge to cut, and for the first time i think i can because i don't wanna upset Aubree because she says she's pissed anyway. So i'll try to do something else maybe just blog all night and annoy whoever has been checking my blog out. I don't need anymore scars across my arm, they've been hurting lately and i've been clawing at them and that's not really good.

For now i still have like half an hour before school lets out for the weekend, one of my "friends" is coming over, we're gonna continue to write our script for the One Act festival the school has in May. We're gonna hopefully make cupcakes NOM NOM NOM :3 hehe, oh and i have to watch my baby cousin she's like 4 and she's SUPER energetic and i can't keep up with that cuz of how low energy i am -.-

Listening to 'Sellout' by NevershoutNever~ i try not to listen to NeverShoutNever too much cuz then i never wanna stop and it does begin to bother me, but i love his music, i know like all his songs :D but i am sadly not his Biggest Fan.

Anyway i guess i'll end this post and i'll post another later about anime i watch and like.

Bye for now darlings~ ♥