Sorry

OK. So sorry I haven't been posting like at all, I've just been getting acquainted with my new college and for the most part I'm guess I'm good with most stuff, but whatever.

I guess why I'm really posting is because I need a way to vent.

OK, so I've been feeling suicidal as of late and I literally do not know how to handle these feelings. I've been suicidal in the past, but I get a weird and uncomforting vibe that it's different this time. I feel hurt, worthless, unnecessary, upset, sad, worried, confused, just a plethora of negative emotions that do not want to subside. I try to be positive, I mean hell I have to, but it's so hard, I try to be happy but then when I'm done faking the happiness, I get back into my usual slump. I can't keep up the positivity, it fades after a short time.

I want to self harm so bad, I basically am like scratching at my skin to get a sensation, but I need my scissors breaking skin, and leaving the blood to bubble up. I need that feeling of fleeting satisfaction when I cut.

I have also recently been seeing a counselor/therapist for these thoughts, and honestly it makes me feel worse about myself because I'm having to open up more and dig a little deeper into my negative thoughts. I just don't like it, I want to forget about counseling and just be me and feel bad and shitty and self harm without it being anyone's business. However I'm the one who went to my acting professor and told her I was feeling suicidal, and then a chain reaction went off to get me the help they think I need. I just want to go home and relax, no amount of medication can make me neutral and not sad. My home is what makes me okay with life. I miss my cat, my couch, my parents, my aunt, my uncle, my little cousin, my original surroundings, hell I even miss my brother.

I just think being a new place and being so overwhelmed so early in the semester is causing my depression and suicidal thoughts. But it's a lot of factors, like I keep explaining it to others. I miss home and the people, I feel overwhelmed, stuff in my personal life just isn't up to my usual standards.

I'm at rehearsal right now until probably midnight and I'm having self harm-ish thoughts. I already drew on my arm some lines and shit to symbolize cuts, but it didn't subdue the urge to actually want to cut.

I'm going to try calling the suicide hotline later when I get back to my dorm, or just getting a hold of someone who will listen, but I don't really want to, I just want to cut and be done with it.

A part of me thinks I just deserve to die, I haven't been a wholesome person. I'm basically a piece of shit. I want to just rid the world of my terrible self and hope no one notices I'm gone so people aren't upset because then even in death I'll be troublesome.

I don't know, I feel like I need help, but I don't want help anymore.

The highlight of my day though was one of the guys in my acting class asked if I was alright and followed up with me after class, and I told him and another guy that I had been feeling suicidal and they offered me some advice.

I felt okay in that moment, but now I just feel terrible and like what's the point of living ?

I guess that's enough venting for one night.

Sadness' Mist~

This is just a stupid little poem i made up during class, enjoy~

 

 

 

In the shadows

something lurks within the darkness

it cannot be seen

it cannot be touched

it is sadness, ready to consume you

it is depression, ready to harm you

A grey, gloomy, frightening mist is what

prompts your sudden sadness, it takes control`

and never lets go

I have fallen victim to the mist

i cannot escape it

it has pulled me in

And will not release its grasp

in the morning i let it plant horrid thoughts

within my head

At night i let it control my movements like i am its puppet on strings

it makes me cut away at my skin, it leaves me a gruesome bloody mess

while i sleep, the mist attempts to invade my dreams, every night, i fail to keep it away

I am consumed by this sadness

it has a firm grasp upon me

Self Harm Assignment {Taken 11/21/12}

My Self Harm Assignment

Age?

15

Sex?

Female

Label yourself (prep, goth, druggie, weirdo, etc)

Labels are overrated...

How long have you been cutting?

about 5 years

Favorite tool?

Scissors

Where (place) do you cut (school, home, etc.)?

my bedroom

Do you have to wear long-sleeves & long-pants all the time?

not usually, but I do to avoid talk

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?

no

Are your legs, arms, & other body parts covered in scars?

Yes

What’s your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut?

what's the point of an excuse anymore ?

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?

Not overnight

when was the last time you cut?

2 days ago

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?

I don't know...a couple

Do you have (diagnosed) depression, and/or bipolar/bpd?

They believe I am depressed and have bipolar disorder

Who knows you cut?

The librarian, my guidance counselor, my two friends

Have you ever been caught cutting?

no

Have your parents ever confronted you about a bloody sleeve, or towel?

Never

Did you have a good childhood?

...I suppose

Why do you cut?

N/A

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?

Unfortunately, yes

Do you want to stop cutting (but can’t because of addiction)?

Surprisingly. No I don't.

Do you like cutting?

I prefer not to answer.

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?

twice

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?

my opinion doesn't matter

Do you like watching movies with self-injury?

If they're actually good movies

Do you like looking at pictures of self-injury?

It disturbs me sometimes

Do you sometimes envy other people (non-self-injurers)

I envy no one....

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?

I have.

Do you want to die?

At this moment in time....very much

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?

No

What do you like to listen to while cutting/depression/etc.?

Lately it's been Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting?

Negative

Do you dream about cutting?

Negative

What do you use to bandage your cuts?

Absolutely nothing


Taken 11/21/12