So I've Come to The Realization That...

So I've come to realization that I'm a terrible human being. I was just not meant to keep people in my life. I drive people away all the time. I demean them, I stress them out, I belittle them, I do all this horrid shit to people I care about because- well I don't have a reason. It's such a terrible thing I do to the point where it's left me with no one in my life, but my small family. No friends, no significant other, no other relationships. I'm a lost cause when it comes to all this. I pushed everyone away, I pushed and pushed until I finally lost the one person I couldn't live without. I fought to justify myself, but who am I kidding. I need a personality adjustment, I need to fix myself before I go out and try again. I've been knocked down too many times I cannot handle it. I just want to be a better me. I've hit rock bottom and I don't want it to get any worse. I want what is best for me. And I believe what is best is finishing out my senior year in good standing (actually doing my work, and attempting to get some community service hours, and stop going home early). I want to walk at graduation. I deserve it more than anything to prove that I've made it to that milestone in my life. Then I have a summer to change myself and fix myself for the better and then I'm off to college for the next 4 years of my life. I want to feel good about myself, I want to actually be proud of myself, and I'm not. I'm worthless. I know I can do this, but I actually have to try. My goals to become a better me are first off to lose some weight (it'll help with me not liking my appearance), read more books (to help me get ideas on writing because I want to go back to that), take my mediation (I need to accept they are a part of my daily life), become better at make-up (I want to accomplish a perfect winged eyeliner and be able to do some special effects make-up), get ready for college (another big milestone in my life), change my personality for the better (I need a serious adjustment and I know it'll help), and be the princess I know I can be (because I am).


I want to forget my past and look forward to the future. I will become a better Soler Princess Nichols. I know it. I just have to have faith in myself.

Can I Just Say....

Can I just say how fucking fed up I am with people who treat me like shit...
Like really, my ex-boyfriend of 3 years refuses to talk to me, and we didn't even really break up
We haven't seen other people or anything, he just started hating me, for no apparent reason
And when I reach out to him, it's like am I messaging you ? Are you there ?
It's been months, and sometimes he'll pop a message in here or there, and it's usually rude
I miss him, I miss just being able to have someone on my side, who would always talk with me.
It's frustrating now, I come home, and it's silence until the next morning when I go to school
And school lets out for the summer in a week, and then it'll be silence 24/7
I hate it....I can't handle it...it pushes the boundaries of my mentality
And no matter how often I try to look for a friend, no one reaches out to me
So I'm just fed up mostly with this boy, he's 20, but he's no man, he's a fucking child
I can't deal anymore....I can't.

Done...

I have no idea what I wanna talk about, I don't even know why I'm writing this, All I know is that I'm really upset, I haven't been very productive, and I just really hate myself, and I just wanna go home and cry

I'm very dedicated to my clubs and activities, but I don't feel like doing anything today which is kinda bad...I'm always busy, and I can't stand it right now...I just wanna go home and sleep...but if I sleep then I'll never wake up or get outta bed for a long time.

So tired right now...and I miss my friends....very much...