So I've Come to The Realization That...

So I've come to realization that I'm a terrible human being. I was just not meant to keep people in my life. I drive people away all the time. I demean them, I stress them out, I belittle them, I do all this horrid shit to people I care about because- well I don't have a reason. It's such a terrible thing I do to the point where it's left me with no one in my life, but my small family. No friends, no significant other, no other relationships. I'm a lost cause when it comes to all this. I pushed everyone away, I pushed and pushed until I finally lost the one person I couldn't live without. I fought to justify myself, but who am I kidding. I need a personality adjustment, I need to fix myself before I go out and try again. I've been knocked down too many times I cannot handle it. I just want to be a better me. I've hit rock bottom and I don't want it to get any worse. I want what is best for me. And I believe what is best is finishing out my senior year in good standing (actually doing my work, and attempting to get some community service hours, and stop going home early). I want to walk at graduation. I deserve it more than anything to prove that I've made it to that milestone in my life. Then I have a summer to change myself and fix myself for the better and then I'm off to college for the next 4 years of my life. I want to feel good about myself, I want to actually be proud of myself, and I'm not. I'm worthless. I know I can do this, but I actually have to try. My goals to become a better me are first off to lose some weight (it'll help with me not liking my appearance), read more books (to help me get ideas on writing because I want to go back to that), take my mediation (I need to accept they are a part of my daily life), become better at make-up (I want to accomplish a perfect winged eyeliner and be able to do some special effects make-up), get ready for college (another big milestone in my life), change my personality for the better (I need a serious adjustment and I know it'll help), and be the princess I know I can be (because I am).


I want to forget my past and look forward to the future. I will become a better Soler Princess Nichols. I know it. I just have to have faith in myself.