OK. So sorry I haven't been posting like at all, I've just been getting acquainted with my new college and for the most part I'm guess I'm good with most stuff, but whatever.
I guess why I'm really posting is because I need a way to vent.
OK, so I've been feeling suicidal as of late and I literally do not know how to handle these feelings. I've been suicidal in the past, but I get a weird and uncomforting vibe that it's different this time. I feel hurt, worthless, unnecessary, upset, sad, worried, confused, just a plethora of negative emotions that do not want to subside. I try to be positive, I mean hell I have to, but it's so hard, I try to be happy but then when I'm done faking the happiness, I get back into my usual slump. I can't keep up the positivity, it fades after a short time.
I want to self harm so bad, I basically am like scratching at my skin to get a sensation, but I need my scissors breaking skin, and leaving the blood to bubble up. I need that feeling of fleeting satisfaction when I cut.
I have also recently been seeing a counselor/therapist for these thoughts, and honestly it makes me feel worse about myself because I'm having to open up more and dig a little deeper into my negative thoughts. I just don't like it, I want to forget about counseling and just be me and feel bad and shitty and self harm without it being anyone's business. However I'm the one who went to my acting professor and told her I was feeling suicidal, and then a chain reaction went off to get me the help they think I need. I just want to go home and relax, no amount of medication can make me neutral and not sad. My home is what makes me okay with life. I miss my cat, my couch, my parents, my aunt, my uncle, my little cousin, my original surroundings, hell I even miss my brother.
I just think being a new place and being so overwhelmed so early in the semester is causing my depression and suicidal thoughts. But it's a lot of factors, like I keep explaining it to others. I miss home and the people, I feel overwhelmed, stuff in my personal life just isn't up to my usual standards.
I'm at rehearsal right now until probably midnight and I'm having self harm-ish thoughts. I already drew on my arm some lines and shit to symbolize cuts, but it didn't subdue the urge to actually want to cut.
I'm going to try calling the suicide hotline later when I get back to my dorm, or just getting a hold of someone who will listen, but I don't really want to, I just want to cut and be done with it.
A part of me thinks I just deserve to die, I haven't been a wholesome person. I'm basically a piece of shit. I want to just rid the world of my terrible self and hope no one notices I'm gone so people aren't upset because then even in death I'll be troublesome.
I don't know, I feel like I need help, but I don't want help anymore.
The highlight of my day though was one of the guys in my acting class asked if I was alright and followed up with me after class, and I told him and another guy that I had been feeling suicidal and they offered me some advice.
I felt okay in that moment, but now I just feel terrible and like what's the point of living ?
I guess that's enough venting for one night.
