Sorry

OK. So sorry I haven't been posting like at all, I've just been getting acquainted with my new college and for the most part I'm guess I'm good with most stuff, but whatever.

I guess why I'm really posting is because I need a way to vent.

OK, so I've been feeling suicidal as of late and I literally do not know how to handle these feelings. I've been suicidal in the past, but I get a weird and uncomforting vibe that it's different this time. I feel hurt, worthless, unnecessary, upset, sad, worried, confused, just a plethora of negative emotions that do not want to subside. I try to be positive, I mean hell I have to, but it's so hard, I try to be happy but then when I'm done faking the happiness, I get back into my usual slump. I can't keep up the positivity, it fades after a short time.

I want to self harm so bad, I basically am like scratching at my skin to get a sensation, but I need my scissors breaking skin, and leaving the blood to bubble up. I need that feeling of fleeting satisfaction when I cut.

I have also recently been seeing a counselor/therapist for these thoughts, and honestly it makes me feel worse about myself because I'm having to open up more and dig a little deeper into my negative thoughts. I just don't like it, I want to forget about counseling and just be me and feel bad and shitty and self harm without it being anyone's business. However I'm the one who went to my acting professor and told her I was feeling suicidal, and then a chain reaction went off to get me the help they think I need. I just want to go home and relax, no amount of medication can make me neutral and not sad. My home is what makes me okay with life. I miss my cat, my couch, my parents, my aunt, my uncle, my little cousin, my original surroundings, hell I even miss my brother.

I just think being a new place and being so overwhelmed so early in the semester is causing my depression and suicidal thoughts. But it's a lot of factors, like I keep explaining it to others. I miss home and the people, I feel overwhelmed, stuff in my personal life just isn't up to my usual standards.

I'm at rehearsal right now until probably midnight and I'm having self harm-ish thoughts. I already drew on my arm some lines and shit to symbolize cuts, but it didn't subdue the urge to actually want to cut.

I'm going to try calling the suicide hotline later when I get back to my dorm, or just getting a hold of someone who will listen, but I don't really want to, I just want to cut and be done with it.

A part of me thinks I just deserve to die, I haven't been a wholesome person. I'm basically a piece of shit. I want to just rid the world of my terrible self and hope no one notices I'm gone so people aren't upset because then even in death I'll be troublesome.

I don't know, I feel like I need help, but I don't want help anymore.

The highlight of my day though was one of the guys in my acting class asked if I was alright and followed up with me after class, and I told him and another guy that I had been feeling suicidal and they offered me some advice.

I felt okay in that moment, but now I just feel terrible and like what's the point of living ?

I guess that's enough venting for one night.

College Student

So I'm moved in, I've been moved in since Saturday August 29th.

I had my first day of classes which included Theater History and Basic Acting and they were alright. Just gotta get situated with the walking because of my back.

I made some aquaintances and even made friendly with a fellow Steven Universe fan.

I still don't know how I feel about living away from home, I know I'm just 2 hours away, but it feels weird to be in a dorm by myself and not have my family and cat around.

I've basically haven't left my dorm unless necessary, I plan on just staying in my dorm everyday except when I have classes because then I have to go interact. I'm only probably gonna be a hermit for the month of September.

I have never used my email as much as I have in these past 3 days.

Still getting acquainted with Rutgers, here's hoping I feel less like an outsider in the coming days.

Less than 5 days

OK. So I am moving into my dorm on Saturday at Rutgers University New Brunswick. I am super excited and super terrified.

I have had some issues with this whole process college moving process, but I'm still hopeful.

First off, I did get the dormitory I wanted, I wanted to be in New Gibbons and I am (New Gibbons A-3 I believe).

When I got my housing assignment it naturally came along with my roommate assignment, I didn't email my roommate first she emailed me, I texted her afterwards and we talked for a little, however she just didn't seem interested in holding a conversation. So the conversation ended only after a few exchanges back and forth.

A few days later, I check my phone and it's going off with 3 new messages from my roommate telling me she feels as though she would be a boring roommate and that she wants someone in her field of study. I'm a theatre major, she is a pharmacy major. I messaged back telling her that it was okay that she didn't want to be my roommate and that I accepted the fact that she told me and didn't just be miserable with me as her roommate for a year.

I haven't heard back from my ex-roommate since then, so I'm sure she found another room to move into. However she's still listed in my housing assignment. Whatever though.

Yesterday, my mum told me I got a housing email, and my heart started pounding because I was very confused as to why I would get one, would it be about my ex-roommate or did I lose my dorm because I was technically by myself, but it was actually good news. I was originally supposed to be on the 3rd floor, I'm now on the 2nd floor, so I only have to go up 2 short flights of stairs (which will be good for my back).

Now another dilemma that is just bugging me too is the fact that I'm not buying the rest of my dorm supplies until Thursday and Friday, then having to pack all that as well.

I'm done talking for now.

*Whistles*

Hello dolls,

I've been doing okay, I guess.

One of my classmates committed suicide last week. My aunt who I haven't seen in years, finally saw her last week.

So yea, an up and a down.

I cut 2 weeks ago, they're healing now, but I regret doing it, but whatever.

I'm still trying to find friends and a significant other, no luck so far.

(If anyone wants my kik it's LaceyxLoves)

I'm so bored this summer and broke.

Wish I had a job and something to do.

Still getting ready for college. Orientation is next week, I'm excited but also dreading it because my back hurts so bad and I can't stand or walk for very long.

So yeah, that's my summer so far.

Seriously someone message me.

One Day...

One day I'll have the most awesome significant other that this person will put others to shame, but for now I am alone and sad.

Death is Just Around the Corner...

I'm getting to that point where all I want to do is just end my life.

Not that anyone cares.

I guess tomorrow I'll vent.

It's Been About a Month

Hey, so I graduated ! Same day as well, our graduation wasn't rained out like the past couple of years.
I've been dealing with some stuff lately and I've been having some mixed moods.
I'm upset about A LOT of shit and I don't know what to make things better. However I am excited about college and I'm excited to start buying and packing stuff.
I'll try to post once a week, but I'm not promising anything. These demons are really holding me back lately.