I...

I am just not happy....

Dear Prince,

Dear Prince, i know at the moment if you didn't hate me already you probably do right now and want me to just leave you the hell alone, but i can't...it's been an hour or two since i last replied to you (granted it was something rude, but...) i miss you...i miss us...i miss our fun, our laughs, our smiles, and all our good times...you've been ignoring me for a month to get back at me for being suicidal...and i think you were completely wrong to do that...it was mean and it put me in the mindset that you didn't love me...I just wanna talk to you right now...and tell you what i'm feeling without you leaving for hours and coming back like it's no big deal...i love you...and i just wanna talk...find a way to call me...please...or heytell me...something...i know you can...because if you had no signal you wouldn't be messaging me to begin with....plus i miss your voice....it's been months hunny...i'm sorry for everything....come back...

Where are you ?

Sometimes i think Al likes to make me upset...i don't text him because he never replies...so i wait on Skype to see if he ever logs on and he doesn't...i bet he forgot that i wanted him to talk to me...it doesn't piss me off...but i am so in like with him that it makes me sad that he forgets me...and i wanted to see if i could see him at the end of the month...so...lets hope that if i text him right now...that he'll see and remember i wanted to have a talk with him...(sorry for sounding whiny, i'm just in a terrible mood and i have absolutely no one to vent to)

Mrs. President

Soooooooooooo....I am officially president of 3 clubs at school, which are Gay-Straight Alliance, French Club, and now Asian Awareness...I am super duper happy, i get to plan trips for every one of them and be in charge and run meetings and plan dates (my favorite thing) :D So excited for next school year (i'll also be a junior)

MoonStream, Dears ?

So...I saw my first concert at AnimeNEXT and it was Moonstream...I fucking fell in love with Satsuki O^O 

So here's some pictures from the concert...i hope you enjoy~

I suck

Ah....shit today was Monday wasn't it ? I didn't start posting my AnimeNEXT crap...i promise after my friend leaves tomorrow...I'll post everything on Wednesday

Food Poisoning ? WHAT ?!

Apparently my mum says I have food poisoning because i ate something that was left out the night before.....so I've been throwing up for the past hour....I actually had plans today.....fucking unbelievable -.- 

I CAN'T FIND MY FUCKING SCISSORS !!!!!

You can't stop a gurl from slitting her wrists with her favorite weapon of choice, I can't find my sharp scissors, and I don't want a dull blade touching my skin at all...

*sighs*

I want Al to hate me, I want Brooke to hate me....I want them both to despise my very existence

I am really weird about Al

If you didn't already know, I like Al, I like him a lot, he's just the nicest, funniest, cutest, most caring, and most unique individual I've had the chance of meeting while in high school. And i started falling for him back in October or November of 2012. But i wouldn't say it out loud to myself until January (2013). He cares and sometimes he doesn't or it seems like he doesn't, which bothers me. I will always remember when they found out I cut myself, and one day I went to Al and Brooke and I got to hug Al, and I held on, and just cried on his shoulder, and covered my face as I walked into the back room of the library, of course, they aren't heartless so they followed me a couple seconds after as I'm having a meltdown in school (PATHETIC, I AM). And from there they started talking to me a lot more and it actually seemed like we were friends. Al gave me his skype and one day we were talking and he's like can i video call you, I wanna make you smile/happy. And we webcammed for a little until my mum was a total COCKBLOCK and called during my call with Al -.- Aside from that he seemed to really care about my feelings and my cutting. He even one day sent me pictures that I now have saved to my phone about self harm. In the beginning he seemed caring and loving....but as the months pass, i feel like I am losing a good friend, and it hurts me terribly, I know the prince is going through a hard time with himself and he's expressed that to me (rudely) but still has told me about his issues. Maybe I'm too needy when it comes to him, maybe I just want his attention but sometimes I just wish he would treat me like I was his friend again, when he'd genuinely smile for me (that made my day) or when (oh gawd) when he hugged me, and it wasn't a limp hug, it was a tight, 'I care for you' hug that would always make me melt, and I'd walk away feeling happy for a little bit. Lately, I get this feeling of hate and resentment when it comes to Al, I don't know if it towards me but it still hurts, here's something I would never admit to him a million years. What will it take to just have him like me as a good friend and not as someone who seems parasitic to him...poor baby, he had to deal with me and he's probably sick of me by now with all my problems. But does he have to be rude to me at times and make me feel like shit ? I guess I'm being a hypocrite because there's times where he has told me I treat him like shit and I bully him in a way. My personality is wicked and troubled...I am not perfect and I hurt someone I deeply care about and I am sorry for what I have done to him. Al....why can't we just be friends !? without all these issues....i love you my dear, i love you like any friend would...




UPDATE : I am not crazed about Al anymore, I haven't been for a very long time. I'm going through my old blog posts and just laughing and cringing, because I am such a weenie.

Oh, my dear Al....

He makes me so upset sometimes and it angers me, I'll give you guys a little detail about my AnimeNEXT experience, so Saturday night I forgot what we were doing, but i'm walking and I hear my name being called, it's Al and Brooke in their Homestuck cosplay with their friends, and so we started chatting and I got this upset feeling (not sick feeling, like sad feeling) and I have a tendency to either stare blankly or look at the ground and not really respond when I'm in that mood, so i was doing either or and Al's like "What's wrong, Soler ?" I look at him and say "Nothing.", and of course this is Al, he knows when something is wrong with me so he asks me again, and i say "Really, nothing". So he decided to say something that still makes my blood boil every time I think about it. "Yeah, okay, whatever I'll play your game." he says.....I instantly got even more upset, I looked at him, bit my lip and said "Bye, I'm leaving." I walked away just as he started talking because I didn't wanna hear anymore shit escape his lips that could hurt me. I even left my friend, all I heard as I walked away was her awkwardly saying "Goodbye." to all of them as I stormed off faster and faster, she had to run to keep up with me. That night i was just really upset and whenever I get upset with Al, it really torments me and I just wanna see him again and talk about it, so I text him on my friend's phone that night and he doesn't answer of course, he never answers my texts....I text him again once we get to AnimeNEXT on Sunday saying "I wanna apologize in person", and of course my friend turned her phone off to save battery, and we didn't see the message Al sent back saying to meet him at the fountain, until 3pm. The only things that upsets me is what Al said to me, and the fact that i don't know or not if they made a comment about me after I left (any of them, not just Al or Brooke). This was probably one of the only downsides to AnimeNEXT, a little fight between me and the prince. And guess what ! I desperately wanted to apologize for my behavior when I got to see him, so on Tuesday when I'm walking him and his sister to the door, i think he asked if he's allowed to hug me, i didn't really respond, i just hugged him and said sorry, and thanked satan i didn't cry because Al didn't give a fuck about my sorry, he shrugged it off, and was just itching to get away from me....I'll continue my rant about Al in another post, but this one was about my dilemma with Al at AnimeNEXT and after...

AnimeNEXT details and pictures coming on MONDAY

I have finals and don't get outta school for the summer until Friday, so i'd rather just start posting fun stuff the week after i get outta school~ I can't wait to tell you all what happened at AnimeNEXT 2013 :D and let's just say my hand still tingles from Sunday, June 9th ;3

AnimeNEXT 2013 was so bombastic ! Pictures and details to come later~

AnimeNEXT is TOMORROW

Soooooo, one, my Hetalia England & America bag came in the mail yesterday, and two, ANIMENEXT IS TOMORROW !!!! Can't wait :D i have to wake up early to be driven up there cuz no buses are going that way tonight, I am beyond excited~ I hope to see my two friends in their cosplays and see everyone else in their cosplays and I'm gonna take a shit load of pictures and probably post most of them on tumblr (lacrimosaxkilledxsoftly) or facebook. EEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP I'm really sad I can't cosplay but whatever, it's alright, there's always next year :3